Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. This article will provide the answers you need. Raccoon eyes The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Raccoon eyes You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. However, dont dwell much on it. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? She definitely needs to be called on that. However, don't dwell much on it. My story : . However, it doesnt always work like that. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Does he mean that he *must* live with her? Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. The issue isnt about hating your partner. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. She never lets him get discouraged. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). I just read your comment again. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Hate my husband. Theres a nicer way to present it. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. 4. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Why do I hate my husband? Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. Aubrey Ray Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. something random As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. I agree. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. Not true. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. You probably hate him because he is flawed. I just dont really feel that bad for her. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. It wont make him change, and guess what? He talks to his mom about it. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. ele4phant, Im with you. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. She didnt know what she was signing up for. Id look into a home health aide. Not My Promise. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. . It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. However, it doesnt always work like that. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. For whatever that is worth. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Hate is a strong word. Bittergaymark This isn't the first time. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. something random When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Of course this is family (a parent! She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? something random Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. ? If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. He never has time for you (even when he's home). If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. honeybeenicki Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Strange, right? 5. Raccoon eyes It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. I get that living there is hard for you. How? The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Is it normal to hate your husband? 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. He doesn't work on the relationship. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Skyblossom Nicole It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Like other things in life, it has its problems. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. Why was that? 6. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Dear Wendy I just can't deal with my mil. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. The honey thing? Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Its not easy, but its necessary. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. I dunno. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. That could have been her husband too, though. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. So you talk to your husband and you move out. honeybeenicki He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Good luck. Giving care is one thing. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. I want to weigh in here. honeybeenicki RedRoverRedRover . June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. TaraMonster ChickenNugget I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. And even my husband loves having her nearby. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. Is that right? In fact, someone else may be a far better option. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. Im sorry. with yourself. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. So, get your own place. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Just really need to rant. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. Who the fuck cares? She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. My MIL and I are not close. Right? am i projecting like a mfer? No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Right? something random We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. TaraMonster She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Hes feeding her a line. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. We were on the same page. However, its just for a short while. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. 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